This is a different sort of a post. Maybe some stuff is coming out as I embark on my new journey for higher education in the field. Maybe it is because of the huge backlash I receive on facebook over my choices in the last few years. And maybe that it is just plain therapeutic for me to write about where I came from and where I have come too.
Whatever the reason, we all are on a journey. That journey is the most important part. At the other end there will be new awakenings and new ah ha moments. I hope this post will help others some day!
There could be backlash by some people in my life. As you read it, you may understand why. If you see a response like that, don't worry about it. I guess they just still have many more miles in their journey before they get to a place that I have.
You see there is this little unwritten rule. Those who are the most guilty speak the loudest. This has never been more wonderfully illustrated than in my own family on both sides.
Is it that I don't care? No not at all. A magical thing happens when you reach your 40's ....its not about how people see you anymore. It's how you see yourself. I work in a profession where I have to care for others. But as I was on a life journey, so do I have to respect their life journey as well.
You see, I haven't had much contact with my father in the last 15 plus years and not by my choice. I love my father. The Lord knows that. And I am relying on the Lord to be in control of that. There are so many things I could be upset with...not all directly related to my father. Most situational. But I choose to surrender that all to the Lord. I have honored my biological father even in times where I was not allowed to see him.
Likewise with my mother in the last five years. She is on her own journey. Her disagreement with my obedience to God has separated us for a time as well. But I still love her and always will.
Back In July 2002, both of my grandmothers passed away. Never thought I would ever loose both of them in one month. It was hard but I managed.
As for my the grandmother on my father's side, she was very special to me. She always seemed to understand me. And was always looking out for me. I will always have such fond memories of her.
The day of her "Celebration of Life" was the last time I was able to go home. I was never allowed to anymore. Something happened, I don't know what. But you see, Grandma was out of the way (she kept the family together) and I was simply a child of the other woman's (my father's ex-wife).
A story (apparently) was concocted up on me...Not the first time, but I was never privy to what it was and never allowed to come back home again. Do I know to this day ?....No . . . And no one is willing to let me in on this secret.
For years I tried to work it out. I was even told that I had shunned and ignored them by my siblings. All the time, my step mom, was shielding calls and letters I sent to my dad and telling my siblings other stories. Why, all I can think of is that she was worried I was going to inherit something over her children. That was furthest from my mind and probably my sister's as well. All I wanted was to continue on with a normal relationship with my father.
You see, this wasn't the first incident of lies and deceit from her. I left their place at 17 years of age because I had enough. I had enough of the fighting from both sides of my family. It was the best thing I did.
When living there, I remember too many times I would be having a good time with my step mother one moment, and when my father entered the picture, she turned into Satan's sister. She would say I was on the worst behavior in the all day when dad was out.
Other times, I would wake up early in the morning to go round up my stuff for a horse show. I had never seen anyone at all because they were still in bed. Yet that morning, when I walked back to the house, I heard my step (through the window) mother saying to my father that I snarled at her that morning or threw something at her or some other concocted story. I never knew what was going to happen next and I certainly never had any contact with anyone in the house up until I walked in that morning.
A year and a half later after moving out, I met my husband and I have been with him ever since. He treated me as a normal human being, his equal, something that I never had been treated as before. I can't help but to love him. He is my everything and we have 3 wonderful adult girls together as a product of that love! Life hasn't been easy but it's made us stronger.
But as a teenager life wasn't so wonderful. This same woman tried to hurt me on several occasions. One time she tried to strangle me. She had me face down on the floor in the living room, sat on my back and tried to snap my neck by pulling back and strangling me. My adrenalin kicked in and I managed, with an extra burst of energy, buck her off of me just so I could catch my breath.
O my gosh, that sudden moment of panic catapulted a whole lifetime of hell. She couldn't even keep her lies straight from there on. You see, no one knew that she was one month pregnant with my youngest sister. I didn't even know. And she guilted me into believing (and everyone else) that I deliberately almost killed that baby.
The story changed so many times. It went from I could of kicked her, to I punched her to I rammed a door knob in her stomach. None of which happened. And besides even if I did manage to kick her, from the position both she and myself were in, I would of only hit her back and even so, it wouldn't of been that hard because I wasn't that flexible.
But it was all she needed to cause a guilt trip that I didn't deserve. It still affects me today. I can only assume that since Grandma's passing, she embellished that story of non-sense again to my sister whom refuses to talk to me this day! I was never informed as to why but I am sure it is due to this incident.
I will not force anyone to believe me over their mother. I am a mother and if anyone comes between me and my kids, the Mama Bear would definitely come out. I vowed that I would never shame their mother in front of them. And I never have. However if she, or any of my siblings wanted to come talk to me, yes, my door was always open.
Then why I am I shaming her now?
I don't see it as shaming. I simply see it as coming forward. The funny thing is I have never seen my life as being abused. I loved my parents. But I chose years ago to walk away from this. I still love them, but I am putting up boundaries. It may look like I am being stuck in or heartless but honestly, my health and my family's health is more important.
As a Health Kinesiology practitioner, we need to work on ourselves before we work others. Our journey to be healthy is very important so we can in turn help others through their journey. And yes, crap has come up from this. My responsibility was to work on myself. I did and I realized now that the journey is the most important part.
There are those who disagree with my choice of natural health. Natural Health doesn't just mean taking a herb, a vitamin or avoiding chemicals. Natural Health is as much a journey of working on your mental and subconscious and spiritual health as it is eating healthy and avoiding harmful foods, drugs or chemicals. It's about renewing yourself and restoring your health as much as it is about preventative.
Your choice is your choice. My choice is my choice and there was a journey to get here to this choice. Those who haven't seen me for 15 plus years have no idea of that journey. The unwellness, the pain, the mis-diagnosis, the depletion on my body, the struggle and more to feel right again. A struggle that brought me down this road. Not anything that was intended to hurt or harm them in any way.
Yes I believe in no vaccinations, no genetically modified food, no artificial hormones or antibiotics in our food supply and so much more. I struggle each spring when the crop spraying begins. I start struggling to keep my magnesium levels up. Inflammations starts in and of course, migraine headaches start.
I know how to deal with it. Flushing my system is where I start. If I didn't do what I did, I would have a chronic condition. And the only thing that works is natural health.
Today, I have become the first Health Kinesiology practitioner in Saskatchewan. And now I am working towards my bachelors, masters and PhD in Natural medicine. I didn't get here over night. But my journeys will hopefully help someone else.
Do I need to justify this to you....no I don't. I am simply telling you this because before you judge anyone's choices, you need to look within. Are you guilty of something? Is there something in your life that you need to flush out (not talking about other people, but rather a situation or an issue that needs to be worked on).
I have done the work on myself and continue to do so. Please do the work on yourself before you judge others. I encourage you to follow your journey to the end.